The Healing Potentials of Cybersex

by Penny Sautereau-Fife

Yes you read that title right. No I'm not any kind of doctor. I am however slowly dying, trapped in a broken down, crumbling body wracked with constant excruciating pain that can barely function. So that's the direction I'm coming from as I write this.

Now, first of all, yes I'm aware of the fact that saying cybersex out loud more often than not is met at best with polite looks of pitiable disdain, and at worst by the giggles of sniggering teenagers making jokes about typing one-handed. Many people don't really understand cybersex. Why on earth would anyone want to masturbate to words on a screen?

Well, first of all, masturbating to words is hardly a new concept. Erotica has been around for centuries. The imagination is one of the most potent and powerful sexual characteristics of most human beings. Seriously, why else do you think a woman coyly biting on a pencil or eating a banana can make men into gooey puddles just as easily as any full frontal nudity in Playboy could? Sometimes your imagination can be more arousing than the real thing.

But, you may ask, even considering this fact, how then can cybersex be healing? Isn't it still just typing one-handed to pornographic text?

Well, that depends on the context. Positive thinking people will always try to say there's someone out there for everyone. Negative thinking people will insist if you have to get sex online you must be pathetic. Those of us in the middle who are just simply realistic know the truth is in the middle. We live in a very shallow beauty-obsessed society. And very often, people who are too fat, or too plain, or physically crippled or disfigured simply won't be able to get past the pre-conceived notions most people in real life have.

So where does Cybersex come in?

First of all, online, you aren't held back by the stigmas that may be attached to however it is you look. I'll use the MMO game Second Life as an example as that of late is where I spend most of my time. Let's first do a quick comparison, of my own case.

REAL LIFE

- Suffering from several health ailments and debilitating conditions. In so much pain moving is a painful chore. Sex life with my wife is nearly non-existent without serious painkillers. Severely limited wardrobe due to minimal finances. Must use a wheelchair to get around outside of the house. Overweight, very plain-looking at best, putting on make-up is far too huge an effort to bother with except for important events. Generally unable to get out to meet people or socialize. Very few local friends who could visit me.

SECOND LIFE, ONLINE

- No extra body fat. All the intricate tattoos I ever wanted, arranged sexily. Nearly unlimited wardrobe of sexy clothing, limited only by my imagination as to what I can create in Photoshop. No mobility issues. Beautiful body and face. Pain never an issue. Sexual function limited only by my imagination. More friends than I can count.

Are you seeing the pattern here? I'm not pretty on the outside in real life, and except for my wits and hands I'm barely functional. But on the computer, my mind and personality are freed of all my limitations.

Now you may still be asking at this point, but how does cybersex have healing potential just because you can be sexy online?

Well, it's simple. Cybersex is still human interaction, even online. It requires to people to open up sexually and mingle. And when it's good, it spurs the imagination, getting your brain working in overdrive on several levels. The more excited you get reading your lover's sexy innuendos or blunt passionate statements, the more endorphins you release. The more you excite your partner with a creative and arousing turn of a phrase, the more your self-esteem gets a boost from knowing that, with only your fingertips typing and your imagination flaring, you're giving someone miles away joy and pleasure, making someone feel better, making someone happy.

I can't speak for everyone but in my own case my physical pain is so great I can't even masturbate, so I don't do the much yapped about "one handed typing" like most. I am however capable of achieving orgasm purely from intense mental stimulation, and I get that by pleasing those I love online. As does my wife, who also plays on Second Life to compensate for my real life inabilities. Freed of my physical limitations and open to letting my imagination show me the freedom cybersex gives me to do things my body just never could manage in real life, the emotional pleasure and intellectual stimulation I get from my online interactions, I can honestly say, keeps me going some days. The happiness I derive from making my wife and my online lovers happy and joyful through my imaginative typing gives me the drive to keep living through the mess of my real body.

And for others, who are perhaps only limited by societal definitions of beauty, it's a chance to feel loved for their personality. I know a lot of people who have in fact met their wives and husbands this way, because with the awkward social limitations out of the way and not influencing the getting to know you process, they were able to connect on a more personal and layered level, falling for the person rather than the looks. I know several other people who are perfectly content to keep things online alone. I know people who consider themselves married to people they'll never meet in real life and are happy that way, because their online relationships fulfill their needs and they get to keep their real life unfettered.

Emotional healing can be more important sometimes than physical healing. There's nothing that can be done for any of the conditions I live with. I know I am GOING to die within the next few years, barring my own will to live. But my soul is kept healthy and strong by my interactions online and my wife.

And the will to keep going is better medicine than damn near anything. Not that I'll be giving up my percosets anytime soon, but the life I live online makes the life I have offline worth muddling through.