How to pick up.... Me

I was not long ago that I was fist gifted with the privelge of meeting some of my fans, though they were unrelated I was first contacted by them within hours of each other.
Now by this point in my second life, I can generally expect about two people I've never met before IMing me to try to get into my pants, some are up front about it, some employ the more smoke and mirrors approach but these two were notable in that they both had read my articles and enjoyed them. Now one was a pretty cool girl who wanted to get an article of her own in SL-newspaper and the other was a somewhat less then cool, but these and my other experiences have lead me to write a brief “Pick up guide” for horny guys and gals looking to meet someone. (like say... me)

Now I've written before about the importance of having class. Apparently some of you didn't get the message. Asking me to “Be your cam-whore and have sex with dogs on webcam” before I have even so much as seen your avatar IS NOT class. (to quote a friend “Dogs are sooo 2008”) And while I'm sure that many of you readers have stopped by this point imagining exactly that (for which I can hardly blame them) those who forge on will likely agree with me that perhaps a bit more tact is required. (Like say... any at all.)

Now that said, it is also not wise to be “too” gentlemanly, particularly not over a long period. Doing so runs the risk of establishing yourself firmly in the “just friends” category. The reason for this is that sex has a way of changing relationships and if a “friendly” relationship grows comfortable I, and others like me, are reluctant to risk changing it with sex.

Be interesting! I can't stress this enough, if you want someone to give you the time of day, it's likely best not to have a blank profile and to just open with “Hi” Odds are you wont even get a response. A few jokes and double entendre can go a long way. And it helps to be a least a bit of a pervert, because those that only want to have missionary sex on a bed in private are probably monogamous anyway, so have a fantasy and don't be afraid to express it to avoid the endless “What do you want to do? I dunno what do you want to do? I dunno...” (you get the idea) if you let it fall into that, then your probably going to lose his or her interest and if they have shown interest in a random stranger, chances are they are kinky themselves.

Lastly, call the next day if you enjoyed it. Don't count on being called back even if you think your partner had a good time, alot of people aren't confident enough to make the grab for that second date, so if you want it, go for it. Just remember the second date does not the lifelong commitment make. It's great to say “I really enjoyed yesterday, I'd like to see you again and see where this goes.” It is not great to say “I really enjoyed yesterday. Please don't think I'm creepy but I wrote a love sonnet about how beautiful you are and how wonderful our family will be. Don't worry I'll take care of everything, in fact I've already prepared a couple different styles of wedding invitations you can send out to your friends and I've prepared a list of possible names for the beautiful children we will have. And don't worry lover, I'm not a creepy stalker, I'm not trying to force you into anything you don't want to do. Oh and btw I already booked our wedding for Thursday next week at 1pm. See I told you I'll take care of everything.” (What the hell is it about me that keeps attracting the latter type?)

By Joan Sweetwater

Who to the What Now?

By Penny Sautereau
Click for full size images

Well this is New and Xciting

Well with Gor out of the way, its time for me to get back into the saddle so to speak. I needed something new and exciting, something that would inspire me to write somthing so mindblowingly awesome that not only would the Nobel Prize Committee recognize my genius, they would be forced to create the Nobel Sex Journalism Prize just to capture the sheer magnitude of my awesome. Only problem is, I wasnt sure what to write about.

Well I have found the answer dear readers, a rather exciting one to. Xciteing that is (Yes I'm going to Pun-Hell, I know.) And as you've no doubt deduced by now I'm refering to XCITE. A store, indeed a brand, that caters to those who want to upgrade their avatar with a bit more interactivity. Oh sure any fresh off the welcome island can quickly obtain a free, automicaly correct skin and a cock if they are male or "other". I mean I'm certain we've all seen people on SL who seem to exist purely for the purpose of having sex and don't even bother to put in the time and effort to write a profile.

But some people prefer a little something extra, something that can seperate us from the unwashed masses of over-eager newbs. One of perhaps the best product for this is XCITE body parts, which allow other people to interact with your body simply by touching the appropriate body part. For example if someone wanted to say, bite my nipple, they could simply click on my breasts and then select bite from the menu. This stiumulus would then be fed through the xcite hud, potentialy causing arousal depending on how I've set my kinks (yes you can customize your kinks) and genetrates a short emote in chat automaticly (can be set to either say, whisper or IM the emote.) With enough stiumulation I can even be forced to cum, putting me in a nice "orgasmic" animation. I can also do things to myself using the same system too. One nice feature is the ability to "react" to touches, I could for example blow the person touching a kiss, or i could punch them in the face, or ban then from touching me outright. Then there is the handy little feature of XCITE parts being upgradable with fun little features and sex toys for about 150-500L a pop.

I learned one little feature of XCITE mostly by accident a few days ago, namely that XCITE body parts can interact with eachother. Oh sure I had read that in the store but had never actually seen it at work until i went to a party, one thing lead to another (as things usually do at any party worth going to) and soon I was masturbating on the dance floor. Everyone was laughing and having a good time when I came, suddenly one of my fellow dancers, a women I happen to know, said her XCITE pregnancy hud had reacted to it. (She had been trying to get pregnant with her SL husband and had so far had no luck.) so in spite of the fact that I lacked the equipment to do so (like say a penis), and indeed was across the room from her at the time, there is every chance i may have knocked her up depending on what menu she selected.... so ya.. things might be a bit awkward with her husband after this article goes up. ;P

But as potentially cool as that is, there is one very major problem with XCITE, that being that some people use it a sexual crutch, thinking that just selecting menu items and having it play short emotes counts as a replacement for actual emoting on their parts. Frankly I despise that even more then I despise those who only want to talk about how hard they are and how HAWT a particular sex animation is. (Seriously what the fuck is so hard about emoting actions? /me bitch-slaps the lot of you. >:p) And of course there is the minor problem with placement and coloration. THey try to make it as simple as possible but sometimes there are difficulties.

Et finalment (Yes not only am i bi-sexual, I'm bi-lingual too) it would be remiss of me to fail to mention the "tokon slave hud system" for all the subs and doms out there. Its a pretty versitle piece of sex-tech that works with XCITE (though having XCITE stuff isnt required) it lets you create and save your own positions, macros and sounds as well as coming with its own stuff pre-loaded (my favourite one is "that's no moon, that's a space station") the interface itself is very intuitive but the method for creating your own content is not. MY favourite thing about it is that the hud itself works with any on the tolken collars, cuffs and hud you have, and is priced very reasonably, allowing one to purchace a slave hud and collar for about the sameprice one might expect for a mid-range collar.

Til next time, Joan Sweetwater

Reporters of Gor: The Kajira Chronicles Book 1

Those of you who have been following my adventures in SL and those who read my last article “The Free Women Chronicles” knew I wouldn’t last long in the particular role of an oppressed, icy, bitch queen who wasn’t allowed to so much as express sexual desire, let alone get laid. (Or to use the shorter name, a “Free” Women.) But in Tetrapoli, a by-the-book gorean sim, there was really only two other options for a women: become a slave, or become an outlaw. Given the fact that I didn’t have any weapons it seemed outlaw wasn’t exactly the best idea, thus I was left with slave, which in the world of gor are called “Kajira.”

Let us be clear, Gor is founded on the principals of slavery, according to the fiction, slavery has been an accepted social institution upon Gor for thousands of years. Without Kajira Gor wouldn’t exist, nevermind become an Internet phenomenon. Indeed to some devotees of Gor, free women are just Kajira who havn’t been collared yet. Women can be captured or otherwise “forced collared” any number of ways, and their slavery is instantly recognized once they have the collar around their neck, leaving them with no legal recourse except a life of servitude or a slow painful death. This in itself is not what makes me spew liquid hate from eyes, after all, many submissives crave exactly that sort of situation, where they can be used, abused and treated like animals without any sort of recourse. So if that’s what they want, fine. To each their own and all that hippy crap.

What really pisses me off about Kajira, is how far it’s taken, the insane heights to which people follow the rules that were never intended to ever leave the pages of fiction. I spoke to one man who told me of the first Kajira he ever owned, how much he adored her, and how much he was devastated when she was captured in a raid and he never saw her again. I’m sorry but being captured doesn’t take landmarks out of your inventory, the only thing keeping her from returning are RP rules.. except oh wait, you say the pirates used illegal weapons to fend off the recovery raid? Then why the fuck is she still playing by the rules when they aren’t? I mean come on people, go into your damn inventory, click the LM and click teleport. This isn’t rocket science people.

However, there is one thing, one thing above all others that grants Kajira a special place on my litany of hate, on my list of things that beg for to be set on fire and have their ashes ejected into the sun. And that dear readers was when I learned one simple fact, Gor exists in real life.. Yes that’s right, take a moment to thing about that… There are real Kajira in the world, and not simply in some third world backwater where the slave trade still exists but in the modern “civilized” world as well (If you think we’ve really done away with slavery in the world then I’m sure you’ll believe I’m the virgin princess of Moon and me, my friends and our mystical talking cat go around defeating tentacle monsters by tossing jewellery and sparkly bubbles at them.)

Oh I’m sure some of these RL Kajira enjoy their lives, they get to spend their days playing Second Life while their master works, and so what if their ankle is chained to the bed, that just adds to the thrill. But when someone is put in the hospital simply because of a fight with their master and they actually argue with me that there is nothing wrong with that? FUCK!!! What the hell are you people thinking?! You can go on about the virtues of “Slave love” and how being treated like an animal, giving everything up to serve another lets you “truly be a women” but SERIOUSLY?! I’m going to say this once people, so try to pay attention. Roleplaying is a fine and lovely thing, but remember that it is roleplay. Some things are fictional for a reason, and Gor is one of them.

Lastly, a thought occurs to me through the haze of cold hate and despair for mankind, for those of you who are having second thoughts about Gor, check out Surrendered Scorpion, a support group and sim for people like yourself. (LM)

By Joan Sweetwater

Snapshot of SL

By Joan Sweetwater
Click for full size

Pimp Slapped

Hey Baby, looking for a good time? (If you answered no to this your probably reading the wrong section, but I digress) I'm certain we are all familiar with the concept of prostitution, love it or hate it is the worlds oldest profession (other than the one people had to be able to pay prostitutes of course) but I myself have never had cause to experience first hand until just recently. It was an odd little experience but one I think is worth relating.

It was a bright and sunny Sunday afternoon (thanks mostly to SL time control) and I had just finished attending the SL-newspaper staff meeting and photoshoot. I was just getting ready to find some way to amuse myself when SUDDENLY (Dun Dun Duhhhhh) someone I had never met or heard of before IMs me. Since I had nothing better to do I replied, saying hello and asking if I could help him, thinking maybe he wanted to give me a lead for a story. (He didn't really, but he gave one to me anyway you might say.)He was rather straight to the point, asking me how much it would cost to let him watch me having sex with a horse. (In SL obviously. :p)

Well needless to say I was rather taken aback. But I didn't turn him down right away, I asked a few questions and then thought to myself “You know this would be a great opportunity for my pet” and so about 5 minutes later I was standing in a street, surrounded by bestiality toys, a man I've never met standing in front of me and Triak Lynagh (My toy and now Whore for Hire. And as a side note its not often I get people ASKING to be identified by name is these types of stories.) leashed and collared next to me.

After a very quick discussion with the man on what he actually wanted I took my payment (I probably undercharged him but its not like there is some sort of “Prostitute collage” I can learn this stuff at... is there?) and ordered Triak to get it on with a centaur while I myself turned to an actual horse. Ten minutes later he said goodbye and left us. Leaving myself with the easiest lindens I ever made, Triak completely humiliated (Always a good thing in my books) and my good friend Christina momentarily horrified when I told her about it. (Which was amusing.)

Now I know some people are going to think I let myself get taken advantage of, but honestly, I don't feel that way. To me what I did has little difference from any other paid performance, from juggling to DJing. I performed, I made someone feel good, and I got paid, that was really all there was to it. Well that and the fact that Triak Lynagh has been asking me to whore her out for my own benifit for weeks now. (And really, how can I say no to being a Pimp?) So all in all I can't help but feel like if anyone was being taken advantage of it was him, not myself. Though really I dont feel like either of us were used to advantage. All three of us got something we wanted, case closed.

That said I'm going to steadfastly refuse to make any comments about prostitution in general at this juncture, but the one experience I had in SL I would say I would quiet eagerly do again. (And I would even more eagerly order Triak to do it again too. ^_^)

Joan Sweetwater